So. It’s been 10 days since my last entry. Please don’t boo me.
I know, I know. I said this year I’d be better! I’d update this blog at least once a week with stories of what God was teaching me and what was happening in my ministry.
And now, here I am, almost done with my 2nd full month of ministry, with 3 blog posts under my belt, and a very long “Things to Write on My Blog About” note on my iPhone.
It’s not that I’m not trying. In fact, it’s the opposite. I’m trying really hard. It’s just that, despite the fact that I spent 4 years in this ministry as a student, that my parents did a fantastic job of launching me into adulthood, and that I have enough energy and drive for 10 people – I’m only one person, and this whole thing is really hard.
Don’t get me wrong – I love my job. I’m loving every minute of being on my own, and working in ministry. I would never go back. But it’s just hard.
I’m trying to be a responsible adult; Do my job well, pay my bills, eat healthy foods, exercise, sleep enough, keep a clean, homey apartment, socialize, spend quality time with my fiance, actively participate in my church, maintain my personal spiritual life, and stay on a budget. In theory, I can do all of those things. In fact, I know i can, because I’ve done them all. Just not all at once.
I can seem to actively keep about 9 of those 12 things going at a time, if I work hard and buckle down. But those last 3 keep slipping out from under my fingers, no matter how hard I try. It’s like trying to pick up a tennis ball when you’ve already got an armful. Just when you’ve managed to pick up one, two more go bouncing out of your arms.
I’ve been pretty hard on myself for my failure.
But I know that’s not right. The God I worship and serve is a God of grace. He’s a God who does want me to be a responsible adult – to steward my body, my money, my relationships, and my ministry well. But more than that, He is the God who saw a sad, sorry broken bunch of failures, and sent His Son to succeed in every area that we’ve failed. Because of His success, in God’s eyes, I am a success. On my own, I’m a total failure. I’m spiritually bankrupt. I have nothing to offer. But now, because of grace, I am co-heirs with Christ, and have an eternal kingdom waiting for me. There is grace for every place that I fail.
Right now, there is a coffee mug sitting next to me that’s been on my desk for a week. There is a pile of clothes on the floor that I’ve been stepping over since Sunday. I haven’t exercised in a month.
I’m 22. I don’t have it all together. I probably never will. But there’s grace enough for that. And I’m thankful.
